“The stick breaks the bones, not the habits” : Beatrice’s journey from strict parenting to positive connection.
In the heart of Mbabane cell, Masaka sector, Kicukiro District, resides 37-year-old Beatrice Bamporiki. Alongside her husband, Ndahayo Noel, and their five children ranging from 5 to 15 years old.
Beatrice was infamous in their local community for her strict parenting style when it came to raising her daughters. She stood ten toes on the philosophy that " the solution for a child’s mistake is to be beaten.", a saying that is more common than it ought to be.
Her eldest daughter, Teta, bore the brunt of this belief. Simple mistakes that could be passed off as typical teenage behaviour, such as returning home at a late hour when she had gone to fetch water or just coming home without permission, and breaking household items, resulted in unwarranted harsh beatings. As a result, the frequent beatings left 15-year-old Teta traumatized and constantly living in fear of her mother.
Teta recounted a time when she went as far as to run away in fear of being punished for something considerably mundane to most. “One day, I slipped and broke the flask, out of fear of another beating, as it was a given that she never cared to hear my side of the story, it only seemed to right for me to run away. I spent many days wandering around, no one from home having an idea where I was.”
Teta went on to describe how these beatings were affecting her life outside of her home. “The anxiety persisted even at school ; I dreaded holidays in particular– the idea of coming home to my mom- just anticipating the beatings that awaited me, made me tremble in fear.
Beatrice justified her strictness, insisting that this approach was necessary to curb her daughter’s misbehavior to instill wisdom and a calm demeanor within her.
However, to Beatrice’s dismay, this parenting approach was causing fractures and strains of all sorts within her family structure.
Noel, Beatrice’s husband, despite being silent during most of these beatings told of a time when his wife had driven him to his limit, when witnessing what he could only describe as inhumanely severe beatings.
He shared “One day, my wife beat our daughter TETA so severely that I almost resolved to beat her [my wife] as well. She proceeded to shift the blame on me, saying that I was the one influencing this bad behavior that our daughter was displaying.”
“It got to a point, where Teta, once responsive to pain, became numb to it and just resorted to running away from home.” Says Beatrice.
In a fortunate turn of events in 2023, Noel and Beatrice were selected for the Family Matters Program (FMP) sessions, courtesy of the USAID Igire-Wiyubake program. These sessions, spanning two months, aimed to address family dynamics for parents and caregivers with children enrolled in the DREAMS program, aged 10 to 14.
Looking back at the FMP sessions, Beatrice acknowledged that these sessions acted like a mirror, giving her reason to reflect and question the behavior she exhibited within her household. “Notably, the fifth session served as a turning point for me because this is when we learned the fundamentals of building a good relationship with our children and the importance of effective communication. For instance, I took for granted conversations on SRHR (Sexual and Reproductive Health and Rights), as it seemed to me the girls knew everything. Even the first time TETA had her menstruation period, I did not see the need to help. Rather I used it as a means to keep her in check, that should she refuse to settle down, she would get pregnant and I would be forced to take my matters into my own hands.” Recounts Beatrice.
"In that same session, I learned that the stick breaks the bones, not the habits," she mused.
Choosing to embrace positive parenting, Beatrice shifted her focus towards open conversations and attentive listening, rather than impulsively jumping to conclusions. It is now safe to assume that Beatrice has now realized the importance of building relationships with her children.
Noel, too, underwent a transformation. Initially viewing conversations with his daughters as solely his wife’s responsibility, he discovered the richness that emerged when he actively engaged with his children during the FMP sessions.
He testified, “Before, I thought that having conversations with my daughters did not concern me ; instead, it was their mother’s responsibility. However, now I understand that I don’t fall short of things to talk about with them. I was also moved by how eager and enthusiastic they seemed to share their life issues with me. Now, we’ve formed such a strong bond in which they can confide in me secrets of any sort, leaving me with a sense of fulfillment as their father."
Teta expressed relief, noting, "My mother no longer brings stress from work home, which in most cases would result in a stream of insults and beatings for us. Instead, she makes inquiries about our day, listens to our challenges, and helps in coming up with solutions for them."
Noel and Beatrice now stand as a testament of the importance of being good and positive parents, thanks to the skills they gained from their FMP sessions. They now advocate for other parents to be closer to their children, to have time to listen to them, but more than that, to be not just their parents but their friends too.
This initiative helps build strong parent-child bonds that could prevent any kind of Gender-Based Violence (GBV), the risk of HIV infection, or in the very least avoid them withholding information relating to that.
As the Ndahayo family attests to the positive impact of the FMP sessions, they advocate for the program’s extension to reach more parents who may not have had the opportunity to attend or who are not enrolled in the program, to be given a chance to participate.
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